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Reviewer: Premeditated Chaos (talk · contribs) 05:43, 1 August 2023 (UTC)[reply]

This one looks interesting, dibs also. ♠PMC♠ (talk) 05:43, 1 August 2023 (UTC)[reply]

Okay, brief pre-review speech: I review in the style of an FAC, going top to bottom and commenting as I go. I am open to discussion on any point except anything that would result in the article failing to meet the GACR. Some suggestions are off the GACR, but I will usually note them, and I will never penalize you for not actioning one of those.

As someone who hopes to get the Four Award for this article eventually, I greatly appreciate this review approach. dannymusiceditor ^oops 14:44, 5 August 2023 (UTC)[reply]

Lead

• Any particular reason the digital edition is considered the primary cover? Normally the physical release would be primary

I can do this for you, as I don't really have a good case to make against it, but in my gut I don't know... this seems to be the prevailing art used when talking about the album in secondary sources. Please confirm. EDIT: Okay, the slipcase explains a lot, I didn't see that edit. This is the artwork, it just looks different in stores because of the unique slipcase. dannymusiceditor ^oops 14:48, 5 August 2023 (UTC)[reply]

Yup, that makes sense. ♠PMC♠ (talk) 20:29, 7 August 2023 (UTC)[reply]

• "The release marks the only studio album with bassist Bill Crook, who left the band in May 2022." - this needs mentioned in the body, and doesn't belong in the same paragraph as all the singles

Background

• For those unfamiliar with the scene, I suggest adding some context for Iwrestledabearonce (maybe "American metalcore band" but I leave it to you)
• Also suggest adding when they joined

Courtney LaPlante is simple enough, but Mike Stringer's joining of IWABO was pretty quiet. There was never really any announcement (that I could find) about John Ganey leaving the band, let alone Mike joining; the best evidence I have was that he played on their last album whereas his predecessor was absent. The previous band's article said he just joined for Hail Mary, but...there's no sourced context...I unfortunately never liked IWABO enough to follow about it back when it all happened. dannymusiceditor ^oops 14:44, 5 August 2023 (UTC)[reply]

• I would suggest perhaps reorganizing that paragraph for smoother flow. Try something like: "In XXXX, singer Courtney LaPlante and guitarist Mike Stringer joined American metalcore band Iwrestledabearonce, replacing two departing members. Uncomfortable with their status as replacement members, and wishing to pursue new creative and personal directions, they quit the band in late 2015."

Their joining of the band was a little staggered; Courtney sang on two albums, while Mike played on only one. With this ins mind in addition to the circumstances noted above, I've done the best I can. dannymusiceditor ^oops 14:44, 5 August 2023 (UTC)[reply]

I think what you've got for the above two suggestions works. ♠PMC♠ (talk) 20:29, 7 August 2023 (UTC)[reply]

• "As Spiritbox, the couple released" - are they literally romantically a couple? You haven't clearly established that in the narrative. I might mention that in the first paragraph if so

Oops! I've been obsessing over Spiritbox so much that I missed adding context to the fact that they're married. Must've forgot to carry over after working on the band article. dannymusiceditor ^oops 14:44, 5 August 2023 (UTC)[reply]

• I notice that you have a tendency to use more words than you need to to get something across. You may want to have a look at WP:REDEX for some tips on how to avoid doing that

I try mightily to make prose sound engaging and not boring and lifeless, but I'm sure I definitely overdo it sometimes. dannymusiceditor ^oops 14:44, 5 August 2023 (UTC)[reply]

• For example: "Former Iwrestledabearonce bandmate Mikey Montgomery served as the band's first drummer to record the EP". You don't need to explain that he's the first drummer, because we don't even know there's going to be a second drummer yet. When you mention the second drummer eventually, the reader will understand that Montgomery was the first drummer. Compare "Former Iwrestledabearonce bandmate Mikey Montgomery played drums for the EP", which communicates the same thing in fewer words.
• I would split the paragraph at "The band shared five singles", since that's the start of content about a new EP
• "The band shared five singles" all at once? across several months?
• I've made some smaller tweaks along these lines here and there
• "It was accomplished through their experience of the DIY recording process" I'm not sure what this is trying to say. Perhaps "The band recorded and edited these early tracks themselves with personal recording equipment", based on what's said in the source?
• Maybe split the para again at Loerke quitting, as that's another new thought
• "would depart" -> "departed". There's no need for the extra word when the past tense is right there. Also, remove "subsequently" from the same sentence - the reader will logically conclude that it happened after
• "only two days before the group began performing with him on a tour that was canceled in March 2020" - so did any shows actually happen, or...?

Composition

• You can merge the first two sentences of Composition, and probably merge post-metalcore in there as well. The "nu-metal-meets-djent riff-fest" quote isn't really appropriately placed here, since that's not a real genre. If you want to keep it (and you should, it's fun), you could leave nu metal in here, and move that quote to the reception section.

Okay, I was going to stop after background and take a break, but let me clarify this while my brain still knows how to word it. Using my best judgment, I had that quote there because I found it useful and fun to define the album's stylistic approach. However, if I changed it to just nu metal, I would first also have to add it to djent, but I also am afraid this could be a WP:EXPLICITGENRE violation. So, I don't think that this single quote offers enough ground to call it either of nu metal or djent, but I also found it useful to describe it. dannymusiceditor ^oops 14:57, 5 August 2023 (UTC)[reply]

I see where you're coming from. I'm not sure I agree but I won't die on the hill of it. (You may want to attribute the quote in-text though). ♠PMC♠ (talk) 20:29, 7 August 2023 (UTC)[reply]

• "Near the release of the record, LaPlante herself defined the musical genre of Spiritbox as metalcore." -> "Near the release of the record, LaPlante defined Spiritbox as a metalcore band." more concise
• Link Screaming (music)
• "unique sonic aspect" - careful with this, since we're speaking in wikivoice here. How is it unique? Have no other metal bands used synths before? Is it unusual for metal bands to sound industrial?
  • DannyMusicEditor, this still isn't changed
• "upon the release of what became the album's first single, "Holy Roller"." You can probably jettison this whole clause, as it doesn't have much bearing on the musical description of them
• "Spiritbox said they..." this sentence is a bit tangled up. Maybe "In a post-release interview, Spiritbox said they were inspired by [and then list the inspo here]." I would split at the semicolon and remove "specifically" as unnecessary.

Recording and release

• In the lead, you mention that Pale Chord Records is the band's own label, but that's not discussed in the body
• I'm not sure about the music videos bit. Doing a pull quote just to call them "super popular" feels fannish to me, not encyclopedic. I would maybe rephrase to something like "To promote the album, the band released several music videos, which proved popular with fans."
• You mention Braunstein being from Volumes in the lead, but not the body
• "in a context of proximity to each other during the pandemic" This clause doesn't really make sense. I suspect you could ditch it, honestly, maybe with some tweaks of the first half - people will understand that they convened in a bubble in Joshua Tree to work on stuff safely

Singles

• Why no information about the Midsommar-inspired music video for Holy Roller? Multiple sources mention the connection, and it seems interesting enough
  • Actually, according to this interview [1], despite the similarity and timing near the film's release, the band were was not inspired by Midsommar for the Holy Roller video (Courtney hadn't even seen it at the time). I could add something about that tidbit if you wish. dannymusiceditor ^oops 02:45, 9 August 2023 (UTC)[reply]
    • Interesting, in which case I would say don't worry about it - it's kind of net zero information at that point
• I would reorder the Constance paragraph to discuss the dedication to Phyllis, then get into the music video and the dedication to Constance
• "The song and its music" are they not the same thing?
• "whose video was conceived and created by director Dylan Hryciuk" - Is there such a difference between him conceiving and creating the video that we need to say both? Can we just pick one?
• "The song and its music were dedicated to Phyllis, LaPlante's grandmother, who could not say the last goodbye to her before her death because of the pandemic, nor attend her funeral." - The way this is currently phrased, it reads that the grandmother is the one who couldn't say goodbye, but that's obviously wrong.
• Are there any details about the song available? What's it like musically? It's said to be "showcasing the versatility and variety" of the band but in what way? The Van Sun article seems to point to it being more of a ballad, but that isn't mentioned in the body
  • Replaced "massive track" with a new description.
• I've split the paragraphs so each single gets its own; a paragraph should communicate a single idea
  • Understandable. The way I had it organized initially was supposed to be a group of information in the style of a chronological history up to the album's release, which made certain pieces of information I had in the section make better sense. dannymusiceditor ^oops 02:45, 9 August 2023 (UTC)[reply]
• "while choosing to fail deliberately" I'm not sure I understand what this means.
  • I wasn't quite sure how to put this one into words myself. Mike Stringer told Kerrang! the following, which I attempted to transcribe: "The subject matter of the song explores toxic co-dependency, and the feeling of knowing that something is doomed to fail, but making the choice to go down with the ship." dannymusiceditor ^oops 02:45, 9 August 2023 (UTC)[reply]
    • Oh, I can rework that, hold on.
• Same thing about the other songs - are there any musical details about them available?

Critical reception

• Not mandatory, but I recommend revising the reception section along the lines of WP:RECEPTION, where paragraphs are organized thematically. It's more impactful to a reader to read a paragraph about reviewers' opinions about the guitar work (for example) than it is to read random opinions one by one. Even grouping praise in one paragraph and criticism in another would be sufficient; right now it's just arbitrarily all tossed together.
  • Can I save this for FA pursuit? I do plan on it eventually, I had to go through it with my first one and I know what it'll take. dannymusiceditor ^oops 02:45, 9 August 2023 (UTC)[reply]
    • Sure, as I said, not mandatory :)
• This is a nitpick, but you have four "noted"s in the first paragraph of reception, you could vary it a little
• Generally speaking you strike a good balance between summarizing reviewers' thoughts and using snappy pull quotes, which is harder to do than people think, so well done.
• The quote from Sputnikmusic is unusually long though; I would trim that right down.

Accolades

• It doesn't make sense to have a subsection for year-end lists when there's no other content in the section
• Layout-wise I think this chart should be moved below commercial performance, as it currently interrupts the flow of prose sections

Commercial performance and onward

• No gripes here and through the rest of the article

Other GACR stuff

• Separate album covers are justified per NFCC as they are significantly different from one another. Both have appropriate rationales
• There are some performance images at the Spiritbox article that could be used here, but no worries if you don't want to
• No CV/close paraphrasing issues
• Sourcing reasonably reliable - mxdwn Music might give some trouble at FAC, but everything else looks okay
• Spot checks didn't reveal any serious concerns

I realize there's a lot of commentary, but it isn't that I think the article is not good. The bones are solid, it just needs some copyediting to be its best self. ♠PMC♠ (talk) 06:20, 5 August 2023 (UTC)[reply]

I have done the best I can to complete your requests. I thank you once again for your thorough review, it's clear you took time and effort to find as many ways to improve it as possible. dannymusiceditor ^oops 03:10, 9 August 2023 (UTC)[reply]

Hey Danny, the article's looking good. There's one thing outstanding that I pinged you to, but it's not a barrier to passing, so I'm going to go ahead and do that now. Feel free to ping me if you do take this to FAC! :) ♠PMC♠ (talk) 15:24, 9 August 2023 (UTC)[reply]