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Reviewer: PCN02WPS (talk · contribs) 21:36, 7 June 2022 (UTC)Reply[reply]

Hi there, I'll be reviewing this nomination in the coming days. PCN02WPS (talk | contribs) 21:36, 7 June 2022 (UTC)Reply[reply]

Thanks PCN02WPS. Real life right now is a bit frantic, but if you ping me when the review is completed, I'll get on it ASAP, though it may take me a day or so. SusunW (talk) 21:55, 7 June 2022 (UTC)Reply[reply]

PCN02WPS, I've checked this almost every day, but have seen no changes in the last 9 days. Can you give me an update, please? Happy to wait, but if it's going to be several days, I don't need to keep checking on it daily. SusunW (talk) 15:23, 16 June 2022 (UTC)Reply[reply]

@SusunW: Thanks for your patience, I have left comments below. The nomination is on hold. PCN02WPS (talk | contribs) 00:52, 17 June 2022 (UTC)Reply[reply]

Lead and infobox

• I've never seen this, so I don't know if there are guidelines surrounding this, but I don't believe it is necessary to include counties (where there is no ambiguity) to birth and death places in the infobox, especially with such well-known places as Yonkers, New York, and Phoenix, Arizona.

• deleted SusunW (talk) 13:06, 17 June 2022 (UTC)Reply[reply]

• "...she invented a machine, known as the "Threeplex" which allowed still background..." → comma after "Threeplex"

 Done SusunW (talk) 13:06, 17 June 2022 (UTC)Reply[reply]

• "The machine was donated to Brigham Young University, after the couple's retirement" → remove comma

 Done SusunW (talk) 13:06, 17 June 2022 (UTC)Reply[reply]

• "...located in Cave Creek, Arizona, contains..." → the link to Cave Creek, Arizona, should cover all of the text "Cave Creek, Arizona", rather than just "Cave Creek"

 Done SusunW (talk) 13:06, 17 June 2022 (UTC)Reply[reply]

• "and $6 million" → use ((USD)) to change to "US$6 million" just to establish at first mention that we're working with US Dollars

 Done SusunW (talk) 13:06, 17 June 2022 (UTC)Reply[reply]

Early life and education

• "Nepperham neighborhood of Yonkers, New York to Olga" → comma after "New York" per MOS:GEOCOMMA

•  Done SusunW (talk) 13:08, 17 June 2022 (UTC)Reply[reply]

• "Public School #3 in Manhattan" → "Public School No. 3 in Manhattan" per MOS:POUND

•  Done SusunW (talk) 13:08, 17 June 2022 (UTC)Reply[reply]

Career

Acting (1925–1933)

• "received praise for her portrayal of a young flapper intent" → link flapper

•  Done SusunW (talk) 13:12, 17 June 2022 (UTC)Reply[reply]

• "presenting pantomimes as part of an experimental program" → link pantomime

•  Done SusunW (talk) 13:12, 17 June 2022 (UTC)Reply[reply]

• "and also in 1932 for the George Washington bicentennial" → "and also in 1932 for the bicentennial of the birth of George Washington" to alleviate any potential confusion

•  Done SusunW (talk) 13:12, 17 June 2022 (UTC)Reply[reply]

Photography (1934–1963)

• "she opened a small studio on West 57th Street in Manhattan" → link 57th Street (Manhattan)

•  Done SusunW (talk) 13:34, 17 June 2022 (UTC)Reply[reply]

• "and employ five women assistants" → "five female assistants" sounds more natural to me

• Adult humans are women. Female has the connotation of being pejorative and objectifying.[1][2] I've added five women "as" assistants.

• "Voss allowed other photographers to use her dark room" → link darkroom

•  Done SusunW (talk) 13:34, 17 June 2022 (UTC)Reply[reply]

• "Initially, she produced background films, to depict scenes, for example like at a courtroom, hospital, prison, or other location." → This sentence confuses me; is it meant to say "Initially, she produced film backgrounds"? The wording also gets a little clunky and casual when listing examples, so I'd reword the second part of the sentence.

•  Done SusunW (talk) 13:34, 17 June 2022 (UTC)Reply[reply]

• "journalist Geoff Davidian of the Arizona Republic" → "journalist Geoff Davidian of The Arizona Republic"

•  Done SusunW (talk) 13:34, 17 June 2022 (UTC)Reply[reply]

Later life

• A small bit of detail on the purpose of the Cave Creek Association could potentially be helpful, just for context

•  Done SusunW (talk) 13:56, 17 June 2022 (UTC)Reply[reply]

• "dreaming of creating a museum of Americana" → link Americana (culture)

•  Done SusunW (talk) 13:56, 17 June 2022 (UTC)Reply[reply]

• It's linked in the lead, but Grace Museum of America should be linked again here

•  Done SusunW (talk) 13:56, 17 June 2022 (UTC)Reply[reply]

• "also known as javelina" → put this in parentheses

•  Done SusunW (talk) 13:56, 17 June 2022 (UTC)Reply[reply]

• Since peccary is linked, you could also link deer and mountain lion (which redirects to cougar)

•  Done SusunW (talk) 13:56, 17 June 2022 (UTC)Reply[reply]

• "recipient of the YWCA Tribute to Women honorees" → link YWCA

•  Done SusunW (talk) 13:56, 17 June 2022 (UTC)Reply[reply]

• Including the abbreviation for Daughters of the American Revolution is not necessary since the abbreviation is not used again in the article

• removed SusunW (talk) 13:56, 17 June 2022 (UTC)Reply[reply]

Death and legacy

• "Frederick died in Phoenix, Arizona" → link Phoenix, Arizona and include a comma after "Arizona"

•  Done SusunW (talk) 13:57, 17 June 2022 (UTC)Reply[reply]

PCN02WPS Thank you so much for your review. I really appreciate your taking the time to help improve the article. Collaboration always makes it better. I note that the discussion of the photographs is included on the article talk page if you have questions about them. I think I have answered all of your queries, but if there are further issues, please just ping me. SusunW (talk) 14:00, 17 June 2022 (UTC)Reply[reply]

SusunW, all corrections look good to me (and rationale for the "female" vs. "women" is totally reasonable and I agree with you). I have made one minor additional change to the formatting of the cities in the infobox, but the article looks good to me other than that. All four images are listed as public domain, so no issues there. Referencing spot-checks look good as well so I'm happy to give this a pass. Well done! PCN02WPS (talk | contribs) 00:43, 18 June 2022 (UTC)Reply[reply]