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11 O'Clock News (Part 1) (:04)
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A news announcer tells the film's viewers the popcorn they are eating has been urinated in, then says there will be a "Film at 11", which he then says at the end of each subsequent appearance.
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| Argon Oil (1:13)
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A commercial for a company that found ways to produce oil from acne, Italian people's hair (taken from combs in their trash), and American fast food.
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| A.M. Today (6:05)
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A morning TV news show with hosts (Janice Kent and Michael Laurence) and several segments: a news correspondent, unable to hear the announcers, scratches his buttocks and picks his nose on-camera, and a studio debate between two conservative and liberal pundits ends in an obscene personal attack. The show's astrologer declares that astrology is meant to support people who cannot take responsibility for their own lives. An animal segment introduces a rare hamster followed by a gorilla (Rick Baker). The gorilla, which has been unable to mate, becomes progressively enraged by its female handler's explanations, goes berserk, and tears off her shirt. Studio hands try unsuccessfully to restrain the gorilla as it runs amok and finally smashes the camera.
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| His New Car (:24)
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When a man enters a car, multiple alarms sound. As he goes through a succession of actions (locking his door, buckling his seat belt, and so on) the alarms shut off one by one until only one remains. Eventually he reaches down and zips the fly on his jeans. The last alarm then stops.
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| Catholic High School Girls in Trouble (2:00)
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A parody of sexploitation films, including a topless conversation among three young, large-breasted "Catholic high school girls".
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| (See You Next Wednesday in) Feel-A-Round (4:52)
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A man watches a movie presented in "Feel-A-Round." In the lobby appears a poster for the Landis film, Schlock.[6] The usher takes the role of the on-screen female lover. As she asks her male lover to smell her perfume, the usher sprays the viewer with said perfume. It eventually proceeds to chest rubbing and then to a quarrel. The latter culminates with a knife to the throat, but ends with a quick kiss. The cinema's announcer invites the man to also stay over for the next film – Deep Throat. As the usher grins, the viewer runs away screaming.
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| Nytex P.M. (:35)
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A commercial for a drug that cures headaches by rendering the purchaser unconscious.
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High Adventure (3:01)
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A talk show's boom operator uses a boom mike to cause on-air problems for both the guest and the host.
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| 11 O'Clock News (Part 2) (:05)
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The news announcer reports that Moscow is "in flames" and missiles are flying towards New York City.
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| Headache Clinic (:40)
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A commercial hosted by Bill Bixby shows a clinic's scientists demonstrating their headache-curing drug Sanhedrin by pounding on people's heads. The commercial claims the people are not affected by the pain.
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| Household Odors (:40)
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A commercial for household deodorizer that claims that if you do not buy it, guests will tell you that your house smells terrible in a variety of humiliating ways.
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| The Wonderful World of Sex (4:55)
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A couple plays a phonograph record of a how-to guide for sex. After the couple disrobe, the record instructs them to kiss and begin foreplay. After the male experiences premature ejaculation, the recording sends Big Jim Slade, a briefs-wearing, muscular "tight end for the Kansas City Chiefs" to carry the woman away and finish her humiliated partner's job, backed by a vigorous choral rendition of the song "Heiveinu Shalom Aleichem."
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| A Fistful of Yen (31:34)
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One missile from the previously announced dual U.S.S.R/U.S. attack is revealed to be Chinese-made. The Chinese government denies any involvement. The mastermind behind the attack turns out to be a Chinese Dark Lord named Dr. Klahn (Han Bong-soo)[Note 1]. In a parody of Enter the Dragon, the U.K. government hires Loo (Evan C. Kim playing a Bruce Lee lookalike with rhotacism) to penetrate Dr. Klahn's mountain fortress and destroy his operation. Loo refuses the mission at first but happily agrees when told that he can kill dozens of people. The fortress is so organized that it even has its own guided tours for its storage of drugs and weapons of mass destruction. When Loo is discovered, he defeats waves of thugs before he is captured by Dr. Klahn. The next morning, Loo defeats Dr. Klahn's bodyguard Bulkus[Note 2] in a death match[Note 3], forcing the tyrant to order his underlings to kill Loo. Meanwhile, Big Jim Slade appears and frees the fortress' prisoners, who rush to engage in battle as well. Loo confronts and kills Dr. Klahn with a bucket of water. In an homage to The Wizard of Oz, Loo is sent back to Kansas after his victory and learns that it may have all been a dream.
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| Willer Beer (:58)
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A beer commercial featuring Hare Krishna monks.
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| 11 O'Clock News (Part 3) (:05)
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The news announcer says that the Rams football team have plagued by fumbles as an earthquake has struck Los Angeles.
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| Scot Free (:58)
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A commercial for a board game based on US president John F. Kennedy assassination conspiracy theories.
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| That's Armageddon (2:17)
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A parody of the then-common disaster film genre, with Donald Sutherland as the clumsy waiter and George Lazenby as the architect.
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| United Appeal for the Dead (1:42)
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A commercial featuring Henry Gibson for an association that supports keeping around corpses of dead people and still treating them like part of the family.
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| "Courtroom" (Part 1) (4:35)
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A spoof of a courtroom trial that takes every word literally and runs like a game show while "The Beaver" (writer Jerry Zucker) and Wally Cleaver (Tony Dow, reprising his role from the original Leave It to Beaver) get into trouble in the jury stand.
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| Nesson Oil (:14)
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A commercial for cooking oil in which a little girl is "cooking the cat in pure Nesson oil".
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| Courtroom (Part 2) (3:02)
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Beaver and Wally continue to make trouble, while the trial's "surprise" witness recognizes the TV announcer himself as the offender in a car accident.
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| Cleopatra Schwartz (1:24)
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A parody of blaxploitation films: A love and marriage story of a Pam Grier–like character (Marilyn Joi) and a rabbi (Saul Kahan). Despite their differences, they live a passionate life (highlighted by the couple sitting in bed with satisfied expressions, with her topless).
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| Zinc Oxide and You (1:59)
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A parody of classroom educational films (like A Case of Spring Fever from The Jam Handy Organization), it shows what happens to a housewife who has everything, who relies on zinc oxide; her possessions disappear or malfunction one by one, with increasingly undesirable results. Among other things, her bra disappears, and her breasts instantly sag under her shirt. Her car crashes through her house as it has no brakes, and her husband's pacemaker stops working. Eventually, the gas control valves on her stove disappear, her kitchen catches on fire, and everything that can stop the fire also disappears. The segment ends with a brief announcement of a later film in the series, Rebuilding Your Home.
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| Danger Seekers (1:02)
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A parody of the 1973–1974 television series, Thrill Seekers: Part-time airline mechanic, full-time daredevil Rex Kramer (Robert Starr) vows to take on the most dangerous situations possible "for the sake of adventure". Rex, wearing protective gear, walks to the middle of a group of African-American men playing Cee-lo in an alley and screams the racial epithet "Niggers!" whereupon he flees as they angrily pursue him. (The name Rex Kramer would later be given to Robert Stack's character in Airplane!.)
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| Eyewitness News (4:24)
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A couple stops watching the TV news to have sex. In a parody of Nineteen Eighty-Four's two-way television, as soon as the man exposes the woman's breasts, the TV news announcer starts stuttering and is joined by the leering news station crew.
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| 11 O'Clock News (Part 4) (:09)
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The news announcer declares he is not wearing any pants.
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