This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because…Colleen Howe sadly passed away recently and the article will probably be viewed quite a lot by the WWW, and it should be ship shape - as one of Wikipedia's finer works.
Thanks, SriMesh | talk 02:28, 8 March 2009 (UTC)[reply]
Comments by JiggleJog:
Okay. Here goes: the first two sentences are baffling.
- At first, you identify Gordie as "Gordie Howe" but then you call Collen Howe's sons "her sons". Then in the second sentence you decide to call Gordie "her husband".....
- I know what you are trying to do here. But it is silly, and just causes a reader to say, "Ouch. Whaaaaat?"
- The autogenerated review says that your lead should be longer. Well, who really cares whether or not a lead fits into a formula (which has been specified by Wikipedia) as the rule when that rule is a stupid rule. If one has a short article, there is no need for a 350 word summary. However...a good lead should be interesting enough to hook your reader into wanting to read on. In your case, your lead ends abruptly with a parenthetical thought, one which really says more about who says what about the Gretzky Award then it does about Mrs. Howe. I think you need to reorganize the close of the Lead so that your reader is excited, not bewildered.
- By the time, I got to the following statement I gave up: "She was instrumental in the construction of the Gordie Howe Hockeyland arena, Michigan as well as Michigan's first indoor ice hockey rink." I gave up for two reason. First of all, the sentence makes no sense; and secondly, I had been copyediting as I had gone along and the copyediting had become so frequent that I had lost all concentration by the close of that sentence. What in the devil is meant by Hockeyland arena, Michigan?
- You need to copyedit much much more.
- If it is the first indoor rink in Michigan, the reader is left to believe the Detroit Red Wings played their games outdoors until the construction of the Joe Louis Arena. Of course the Detroit Olympia was an indoor rink prior to Hockeyland Arena.
- Also, the pull quote style is no longer acceptable (i.e. according to Wikipedia current standards) on "fine featured Wikipedia articles" so I suggest that you merely work your quotes into the text. Unless there is a real reason for blocking a quote (e.g. 4-5 lines or more), it should be treated as little more than what it is: a quote.
- I will continue copyediting tomorrow when my sanity returns. I did however get a chuckle out of this: "...will probably be viewed quite a lot by the WWW, and it should be ship shape - as one of Wikipedia's finer works." Thanks for the lift; it made my day. *smile* JiggleJog (talk) 20:28, 12 March 2009 (UTC)[reply]