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This article earned Good article status earlier this year and is the main article to the Halo trilogy Featured topic. User:David Fuchs and I have been expanding and copy editing it to prepare it for FAC, and would like some outside input to improve the article's chances of passing. Any comments/suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thank you. Guyinblack25talk 19:42, 24 April 2008 (UTC)[reply]
Ruhrfisch comments: I have never played these games, although I have heard about them. The article seems fairly close to FAC to me, here are some fairly nit-picky suggestions for improvement:
In the lead, since my understanding is that there are more than one Halos, should this sentence be changed to plural: ...the term "Halo" refers to the Halo megastructure, a large orbital construction, similar to those first popularized... so something like ..the term "Halo" refers to Halo megastructures, which are large orbital constructions, similar to those first popularized...'?
I think The strong sales of the game series has lead to a massive Halo franchise. should be The strong sales of the game series have led to a massive Halo franchise. (sales are plural, so "sales ... have" sounds better to me, and "led", not "lead")
Another possible grammar problem in There is also the option to fight with melee attacks using their weapon as a cudgel." - their is plural, but weapon and cudgel are singular
Might want to identify who calls it the Golden Triangle of Halo in ...forms the "Golden Triangle of Halo" gameplay,[13]...
A bit choppy here, perhaps could be rewritten to something like Rather than creating entirely new maps and geometry, developer Bungie included a map-editing tool known as the Forge, which enables players to insert game objects, such as weapons and crates, into existing multiplayer maps.[17]
Generally a good job at writing from an out of universe perspective, and avoiding or explaining jargon. Might want to provide context for the reader in a few places though See WP:PCR - examples
These rebellions led to the creation of the SPARTAN-II Project by the UNSC in an effort to hold the colonies together. explain SPARTAN-II creates the enahnced soldiers such a Master Chief.
Another example - mention that the Covenant are aliens at first mention (a militaristic and theocratic alliance of alien races from the article on them). Now they are not identified as aliens until the second phrase of the third sentence about them.
Another wonky sentence The last SPARTAN-II thought alive, the Master Chief, escapes on the ship Pillar of Autumn to supposedly random coordinates selected by the A.I. Cortana she had obtained from ancient Forerunner hieroglyphs. perhaps the end could be something like ..supposedly random coordinates, which the A.I. Cortana had in fact obtained from ancient Forerunner hieroglyphs.
Is "Delta Halo" the same as Installation 05? If so, make this clearer please
Another problem sentence - not sure what it is trying to say exactly The successful assassination of the Prophet leads to the Brutes replacing the Elites as the preferred fighters of the Covenant, [which?] leads to a schism in the ranks.
Put a date into It also still holds the record for the longest streak as the number one game on Xbox Live. so that in the future this will be clearer (As of April 2008, it still holds the record for...) Sentence needs a ref too - extraordinary claim
Perhaps change this to Halo Wars is a real time strategy game being developed by Ensemble Studios for the Xbox 360 that takes place in the year 2531, before the events of Halo: Combat Evolved.[32]
Spin offs and sequels section - could expected release dates be added to make clearer that these are not yet available?
The whole I love Bees and Iris promtional games(?) section is unclear to me - needs more detail / context. Halo DA is very jargon-y.
I would identify Douglass C. Perry as the author of the report on IGN. I am unfamiliar with WP:RS for games - is IGN considered reliable?
I just pointed out examples I found - other places need work so get a copyedit in any case just to catch things missed - or try printing it out and reading it out loud.
According to the Readability tool, the article as of 22:47, 29 April 2008 (UTC) is 49.5 for Flesch Reading Ease, and geared toward grades 11.88–12.14 (17 years old readers). I am uncertain if this tool is of any use (or if anyone used it in reviews) but the tool indicate the article could do with a little simplification.
A run through with a spelling/grammar checker ala Microsoft Word, WordPerfect 12, or Spellcheck might catch some errors.
There are several redundant elements within statements, i.e. wordiness.
Some sentences that caught my eye on scanning.
"Players could now hijack enemy vehicles, or have their own transportation stolen from them." -> "Players could now hijack vehicles from each other."
"Players can view replays of their games using "Saved Films", watching a multiplayer match or mission from all angles." -> "Players can save their games as films and watch these saved films from all angles."
"The then work-in-progress game includes a DS version of the Halo 2 map Zanzibar, with dual-wielding." -> "The demonstrated work featured dual-wielding and a version of the Halo 2 map Zanzibar."
"The film has continually resumed and stopped preproduction;" -> "Continually" seems to imply it ("stopping and resuming") is still happening now. "The crew has stopped and resumed preproduction of the film several times;"
"Likewise, all the Halo novels have appeared on Publisher Weekly's bestseller charts, and the Halo Graphic Novel sold more than 100,000 copies, a "rare hit" for the games-to-comics genre. All the Halo novels became Publishers Weekly bestsellers, and Ghosts of Onyx and Contact Harvest also appeared on The New York Times bestseller lists as well." -? These two sentences can be broken up and combined into simpler, shorter sentences. The "all" is redundant. It can also be stated that as the franchise grows (with new novels), the claim of the novels getting on the hit lists might not hold true then (uncertain if that is of concern).
"Most are set outside Halo canon, though some are based on fan fiction closely relating to the official Canon." -? Is the last "canon" meant to start with an uppercase?
Questions on sources
Fill out the citation templates. Several are partially filled out on critical information. E.g. "Halo Movie is officially dead", "Halo Wars: Ensemble Interview. Kikizo (2007-09-17)."
"Downes, Steven. Interview with "Xerxdeej" (Part 2). tiedtheleader.com. (2005-08-23)." -? The link directs to a mp3 file stored at [1]. The proper template should be used with the correct host address stated. Who is David James Dague (currently unemployed and ceased updates of his site)? What is the mp3 of?
"Bakken, Lars, et al.. (2007). Is Quisnam Protero Damno!. Washington: Bungie." -? Directs to a Wikipedia link. It should use the relevant sources used in that article.
"Dietz, William (2003). Halo: The Flood. New York: Ballantine Books. ISBN0-345-45921-0." -? Same as above.
"Nylund, Eric (2003). Halo: First Strike. New York: Ballantine Books, 332. ISBN0-345-46781-7." -? Same as above.
"Bungie Studios. Halo 2. Microsoft. Xbox. (in English)." -? Same as above.