October 1 (film)
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Peer review for future FAC would be much appreciated. Thanks, voorts (talk/contributions) 14:36, 4 July 2023 (UTC)
Comments from TechnoSquirrel69
Hey Voorts! Here are some things I noticed:
- Some language in the plot summary seems unnecessary; for example, "
The film then shifts back to Waziri...
" and "In a flashback, Waziri narrates...
". These declarations of how the information is being presented in the film don't aid the reader's understanding of the plot, in my opinion.- I think it's important for the reader to know that there's both a narration and that the film is presented with a told-by narrative framing.
- @Voorts: I agree that the fact that the film features narration is significant; I wasn't arguing for the removal of that information. I feel that the phrase "
The film then shifts back
" is redundant. The reader does not need to be so explicitly informed of the "shifting" to a new plot element. If the sentence was rewritten to, for example, "Waziri presents his account of the investigation...", I don't see any important information being lost. —TechnoSquirrel69 (sigh) 13:32, 28 July 2023 (UTC)
- @Voorts: I agree that the fact that the film features narration is significant; I wasn't arguing for the removal of that information. I feel that the phrase "
- Several sentences have confusing constructions such as "
Omolodun is killed after trailing the killer along a bush path, following the discovery of the body of an Igbo girl.
", which present the information in the opposite order that it occurred sequentially.- Fixed that sentence and I will do another read-through before nominating for FAC.
- Hausa is linked but Igbo isn't.
- Done.
- The "Cast" section is unsourced.
- Per MOS:FILMCAST, only uncredited roles need to be cited to an RS; otherwise, it's presumed that the cast list is sourced from the film's credits.
- The subsections of "Production" seem a little awkward. "Casting" and "Filming" are both very short, and "Design" discusses three different, mostly unrelated aspects of the production. I recommend that the section breaks are dispensed with entirely.
- Done
- The "Release" section has almost the opposite problem; I feel that "Box office", "Critical reception", and "Home media" (which is hiding at the bottom of the article for some reason) could all be made subsections of "Release". This would keep all the connected information in one place.
- Combined home media, box office, and release. Critical reception should remain a separate section IMO.
- Is there any source that discusses the film's earnings in more detail? I think the fact that the film seemingly got back less than half of its budget deserves a mention.
- Not that I could find.
- I'd mention that the Eko Hotels and Suites is located in Lagos.
- Done
- The "
Complete list of Awards
" at the top of the table in "Accolades" seems redundant.- REmoved
- There are some borderline WP:EASTEREGG issues, with the first sentence in "Themes" being the most obvious example; I would rewrite the sentence to make it more apparent where those links are going. There's a couple other places where this applies as well.
- Removed many of the links; also avoids overlinking.
- Entirely optional, but consider bundling citations once they go over two or three. The opening sentences of the "Release" and "Critical reception" sections look a bit cramped in their current state.
- Removed some of the cites.
Hopefully that's a little help. Let me know if you have any questions, and good luck at FAC! —TechnoSquirrel69 (sigh) 16:01, 27 July 2023 (UTC)
- Just added a point (second-to-last) that I forgot to include before. I'm currently on my phone, so I kept it brief. Let me know if I need to elaborate to be clearer on the point. —TechnoSquirrel69 (sigh) 18:08, 27 July 2023 (UTC)
- Thanks! I'm taking a look and will work through these. voorts (talk/contributions) 23:33, 27 July 2023 (UTC)