This novel was recently approved for GA and now I'm working on it to get ready for a FA nomination. Someone from the Guild of Copy Editors has already taken a look at it, but I would like more people to review the article and help improve the prose. Also I would like some feedback about whether a character section would imporve this article, I've been working on a rough draft here. Thank you for your assistance. Zombie Hunter Smurf (talk) 15:33, 20 April 2009 (UTC)[reply]
Comments from Scartol
First off: Kudos for your fine work on this article! It's well-researched and contains lots of good info. You've clearly devoted lots of love and time to this piece. I think it's close to FAC territory, but needs some tweaking first.
The comments, suggestions, and questions below are for your consideration; feel free to adopt them or reject them as you will.
Lead
- It's important to avoid overlinking. It's best to link only those terms which are exceptional or a typical reader is likely to immediately need more information about. I removed the link for novel in the lead, and I recommend doing the same for 2006 in literature. (Colliding links aren't good, but sometimes they're unavoidable, as in post-apocalyptic horror. However, we should try to avoid them as much as possible.)
- Is there a date or tiemframe for the story? I'd really like to end the revised sentence in the lead: "...a decade after the Zombie War of XXXX."
- There is never a clear date given. It is set in the future (from 2006's POV) with mentions of a Chinese space station and other details, but Brooks never comes out and says when the war happened. Zombie Hunter Smurf (talk) 16:30, 16 October 2009 (UTC)[reply]
Development
- Blockquotes should generally be used only for quotes more than four lines long. I recommend removing the blockquote formatting and putting the quote about all the homework into the paragraph itself.
- This section feels thin. If there's no other information available, then there simply isn't. But I expect there may be other interviews and/or articles to be found? I would also recommend putting the info from the "References to other works" section in this part of the article.
Plot summary
- Images need alternate text in addition to captions. This will come up at FAC, so it's better to add it beforehand.
- The plot summary feels a little long, but there's no set limit or standard. Be sure to read this section, though. I trimmed some of the sentences a bit, but you may want to consider combining some of the paragraphs.
- I'd like to see a sentence about the structure of the book (interviews, as I understand it).
- We could use a brief explanation of what a "brushfire war" is.
- We could also use some details in the first or second summary paragraph explaining what exactly the infection does to people — how do the zombies behave?
- In an attempt to halt the flow of infected refugees from India, Iran destroys several key bridges within Pakistan, leading to a nuclear war between the two countries. This is confusing in several ways. Which two countries have a nuclear war? And it's not clear how Iran is able to blow up bridges in Pakistan; are their governments working together? Are the Indian refugees trying to get to Iran or Pakistan?
Themes
- It's generally best to use the present tense when describing critical reaction. ("Alder Utter ... notes...")
- It would be good to include some examples of how the US isolates itself. We have some good examples of the themes discussed in the first section, but sometimes it's vague. ("One character in the novel tries to justify lying about the zombie outbreak to avoid widespread panic while at the same time failing to develop a solution for fear of arousing public ire." What specifically does he say/do?)
- We should get some examples for the Survivalism section, too. (I'm not keen on one-paragraph sections in general; adding more details will allow you to flesh this out. Maybe one paragraph for survivalism and one for disaster preparedness?
- I really like the last quote in the "Uncertainty" section.
Literary significance and reception
- I would start with the more prestigious publications first. The Daily Cardinal is a fine newspaper, but it's better to lead off with the perspectives of EW and The Onion's AV Club.
- We should get a brief phrase of description for who Steven H. Silver is.
- We should also get origin identification (city or state or education institution) for papers like The Daily Cardinal and The Eagle.
- "A reviewer on RPGnet" is pretty vague. It sounds like some random person put up some thoughts on a forum post (which is not a reliable source, obviously).
Audiobook
- I would recommend against giving the big list of cast members; instead, I advise including a sentence or two like "The cast includes well-known actors like..." and then give some of the most prominent names.
- I also think we could combine the "Critical reception and recognition" paragraph into the main "Audiobook" section, removing the need for a separate one-paragraph section.
Film adaptation
- There's a danger that a section like this (constantly in flux) will become proseline. I'd remove dates that aren't necessary (for example, I took out the date Forster signed on).
Etc
- This link is to a registration-required site. I'm not sure what the protocol is, but I expect at the least you should indicate that there's a restriction on the content. (I recommend removing it, personally.)
- I recommend putting all the external links together; the separations are small and not necessary. (Each link description should be enough to indicate what the link is about.)
Again: Nice work so far! I look forward to seeing that bronze star atop the page before too long. Please let me know if you have any questions. Scartol • Tok 18:31, 2 October 2009 (UTC)[reply]
- Thanks for your hard work. I will attempt to correct some of these issues you brought up as soon as I get the chance. Zombie Hunter Smurf (talk) 21:44, 2 October 2009 (UTC)[reply]