The following page contains material which is kept because it is considered humorous. It is not intended, nor should it be used, for any remotely serious purpose.
(fades in to a slo-mo extreme close-up of Jimbo Wales getting kicked in the nuts, hard, by a sad clown/man with an afro puff wig. Slowly pan out a** kicking continues. Transition (maybe the fancy 'Fly in from the left' one from Powerpoint...) to a shot of the same, but with the negative of the film used instead. (Sunshine Lollipops And Rainbows by Lesley Gore plays in the background) Transition (from the right this time) to the full unedited music video for Alanis Morisette's "Ironic". An extremely slow fade out)
Scene 1: Phone call to Foundation HQ
IAMTHEEGGMAN: (to Essjay) Dude! We should totally prank call that Wiki thing!
Austin Billings: Dude! Shut up! I've got HQ on the phone. *rings*
Dennis Tierney:(picks up the phone with one hand and picks nose with other) Hello?
Austin Billings: Dang it! I forgot we ARE HQ.
Essjay: Told ya, ya freakin' idiots!
Scene 2: Angry media reports
Cute 1 4 u protest in Montréal
Reporter 1: Cute 1 4 u, you have mislead the majority of North America when you vandalised the article "Chicago". What do you have to say for yourself?
Cute 1 4 u: Omigosh! I need to get a perm!
Reporter 2: Why did you feel the need to vandalise the article? Because of you, all of the manatees in the zoo are dying.
Cute 1 4 u: Omigosh! I need to get a perm, and so do the freakin' manatees, gosh!
(cut to Wolf Blitzer in the newsroom...)
Wolf Blitzer: Cute 1 4 u has caused outrage throughout the world. From Moscow to Milan, from Manchester to Mumbai, for Portugal to Peru, from Polynesia to Paris, violence is present in the streets, the masses are in panic, anarchy reigns, and there's utter chaos! By the way I'd like to say that we have the best political team on television. No bias, no bull. We'll now talk to two people who are profoundly affected by this: Ferdinand Columbus, president of Manatee Association of North America (or MANA) and Vladimir Yelchavskov, mayor of Nizhniy Novgorod in Russia. Mr. Columbus, to you first.
Columbus: Yes, thank you, Señor Blitzer. You see, manatees, these very magnificent creatures, are dying everywhere, and I'm very sure that the destruction of the species will not help that!
Wolf Blitzer: All right. To you, Mayor Yelchavskov, by the way, I'd like to say that we have the best political team on television.
Yelchavskov: Tank you, Meester Blitzer. First, for people possibly vondering how I am affected, this one you call "Cute 1 4 u" is my long lost daughter. It is not her fault dat those manatees are dying! All she put on dat Vikipedia article was "Manatees are currently rampaging on Interstate 190 towards O'Hare!" How could anyone take dat seriously? It is very blatant, and I am calling for the immediate acquittal of my dear daughter! And anyway, it vas true! Well... sort uf. Dere was a walrus near O'Hare. I think.
Wolf Blitzer: Thank you, Mayor. We have to cut you off, for we must go back to the scene where we have some breaking developments, by the way...
(cut back to Cute 1 4 u scene... we see a hairstylist perming her hair...)
Reporter 3: Will you share us your secrets for the hottest spring style?
Cute 1 4 u: OOOOOMMMIIIGOSH!!! WHY DO YOU NOT LIKE MY PERM!?
Reporter 3: Uh...no... we... er...
Cute 1 4 u: Omigosh! Have to get another perm!
2 DAYS LATER
Reporter 4: We are here in El Paso where Cute 1 4 u's trial has just finished. The jury has found Cute 1 4 u guilty for blatantly killing all the manatees in the United States. She will now serve 5 years to life in WikiJail, located in Tampa, or was it Barcelona? Maybe it was Washington. Oh, here she comes now!
Reporter 5: Excuse me, miss, what will you do in WikiJail? Will you pull for the rights of Wikipedia vandalisers?
Cute 1 4 u: Omigosh, I'm gonna get a perm in WikiJail. I hate all of you!!!!!!111!!!11!1!!11!!1
Willy on Wheels: Hey! You can't do this! This is unconstitutional!
Jimbo Wales: Hey! Arrest that man! He is wanted for the vandalism of numerous Wikipedia articles! Oh, what the hell?! I am too! No, scratch that!
(as the WikiGuards arrest Willy on Wheels, the media is in an uproar...)
THE NEXT DAY
Glenn Beck: We now talk to two people: Jimbo Wales, president of the Wikimedia Foundation, responsible for the gigantic online encyclopedia "Wikipedia", and the Attorney General of Cook County, Frank Sullivan. Jimbo, how is arresting Wikipedia vandalisers constitutional?
Jimbo Wales: Well, Glenn, Wikipedia is its own online entity, so we have our own laws and constitution. Cute 1 4 u, among other vandalisers, broke Wikipedia law, so in turn, they go to WikiJail.
Attorney General: Excuse me, Jimbo, but Wikipedia is based in the United States, so you have to follow our laws. Did you actually think that you can run your own online country?
Jimbo Wales: Yeah, well... you're as fat as... as... as Joe Mamma!
(as the Attorney General and Jimbo Wales bicker, the authorities are ready to apprehend Jimbo. The Supreme Court just found Jimbo's acts unconstitutional)
Scene 3: Deep Space Nine watches the trial
Set at Quark's Bar. Morn has just hooked up a TV, and has placed in on the bar. Odo walks in
Odo: Yesterday, Quark, I detected that someone on this station vandalized Wikipedia by writing "Ferengi Lives Matter" On the main page.
Quark: Must have been Rom.
Odo: Really? I didn't know Rom had a computer. The IP address showed that it was your computer.
Quark: Rom must have stolen it! Odo, you must apprehend this criminal!
Odo: Alright, after the trial is over, I'll stick you in a holding cell.
Quark: Why?
Odo: For vandalizing Wikipedia. Rom was with me at the time you conducted your mischief.
Morn: Hmf.
Scene 4: The trial
Jimbo's actual Ferrari has a cameo in this scene
Cut to TV
News reporter: And so the founder of AMA Teams CyclePat and his new horde of advocates has stepped up, along with Saddam Hussein's 5th Lawyer's 3rd son, the closest relation still alive from that trial, to represent Jimbo Wales. According to CyclePat, the publicity is welcomed for his personal business which, when he first start editing Wikipedia, thought he could publish everything and anything, but it was deleted by a bunch of early deletionists. As you can see all these reports are interested to know exactly what is going on. Any moment now the trial should be set to start its 3rd day. Yesterday Judge Joe Brown said he couldn't believe that Jimbo made more money then him and the president combined together... The prosecution as well as many Wikipedia administrator objected to the low blow and prejudicial tactics and voiced their opinions in an RfC discussion, which wasn't supposed to be a vote, but return a tally of 123 against and 24 for. Judge Brown said "I want to see this guy grow up to be a responsible adult, to stop smoking weed and doing dope." We don't know if he was talking about Willy on Wheels, Cute 1 4 u, Jimbo, CyclePat or just saying his famous slogan as he usually does but our investigators have found out that at the age of 2 years old Jimbo learned how to go on the potty."
(The scene goes inside a courtroom and shows CyclePat arguing to the court: (in this scene the Judge is played by Judge Joe Brown and the prosecution is played by Blue-Haired Lawyer))
To further develop this scene why not be inspired a little by this skit.
Judge Joe Brown: The last 2 days have reveal interesting "discovery" trials, The defendant, Jimbo Wales, has said he can buy a very expensive car... But now he is charged with destroying the world economy. Who is prosecuting this case?
Prosecutor: Cocoaguy of the AMA Wikipedia non-lawyering firm Arbitration team, Cocoaguy and CyclePat.
Judge Joe: And who is defending the case?
CyclePat:CyclePat of the AMA Wikipedia non-lawyering firm Arbitration team, Cocoaguy and CyclePat. The largest firm in the world since the Wikipedia ruling that gave our firm the power and rights to "first refusal" and the rights to disband any lawyer.
Judge Joe: How does the defendant plead?
CyclePat: It was only the world economy, your honor!
Judge Joe: Thank you CyclePat but I'm sure the Defendant can speak for himself.
Jimbo: Not guilty, your honor!
Prosecutor: I'd like to call my first witness. (scene cut): Did you witness the defendant purposely allow the world's economy to be influenced by his actions which then caused a riot?
Cute 1 4 u: Omigosh! I need to get a perm! Um. . .what are we talking about?
Juror 1: Someone should say "I rest my case!"
Stylist quietly enters the courtroom with a curling iron; the Prosecutor notices...
Prosecutor: Are you mentally stable, woman?!
Cute 1 4 u: Omigosh! Okay, like, whatever an "economy" is...I don't care. I'm going to get a perm! Good...bye!
Prosecutor: Judge, may we move on?
Judge Joe: Go ahead.
Saddam Hussein's 5th Lawyer's 3rd Son (defender #2): We call Jimbo to the stand... What is the date of your birth?
Jimbo: July 15th.
Defender #2: What year?
Jimbo: Every year.
Prosecutor: Do you know how to influence oil prices creating havoc all over the world on the economy?
Jimbo: No! Not really, unless you consider using one of CyclePat's Electric Bicycles to be...
Prosecutor: Thank you, no further questions.
Jimbo: Fine, be that way!
(Cyclepat looks at his 2nd witness Willy on Wheels. Narration of his thoughts says "I hope I don't have to call him to the stand." After several gestures CyclePat leans over to be whispered in the ear from Willy on Wheels. A pause occurs.)
CyclePat (Defender): Your Honour, according to the constitutional law, which is now being hosted on Wikimedia foundation servers, it says that (pause) (a little less intense and with hesitance) large penis' are great for sex... (looking around to see if he actually said the whole thing)
Prosecution: (lavishly interruption) Objection you honour!
Judge Joe: Sustained. (calmly)
CyclePat: (hastily) If... euh! Your Honour would just allow for the Wikimedia Foundation servers at RC Patroller to catch up to vandals and the parser effect of the slave drives... I'm sure we...
Prosecution: This is ridiculous, we've accepted a Canadian citizen that has no legal background and now is trying to interpret US laws using unreliable information... why don't we just make a mockery of system some more?
CyclePat: (Looking at his friend)
Saddam Hussein's 5th Lawyer's 3rd Son: You honour, we've already establish that just because CyclePat and I or the fact that we all work for the same firm or are Canucks is simply prejudicial, we've been over this, eh! It's aboot time the prosecution realize that we are an equally valid option of representation for Mr. Wales. As for the the information on Wikipedia, eh! It is only as unreliable and reliable per the WP:V, WP:CITE, WP:DEL procedures. That information is taken from guidelines as stipulated in the court case of OJ Simpson.
Prosecution: La La La! Childish.
Judge Joe: Gentlemen and ladies, and I use those terms lightly, your line of questioning is quite appalling. I am entertained by our new constitution involving a large penis but frankly that is not the main issue and question pertinent to this case. Unless Jimbo plans to raise a good American black Family with children that won't do drugs... And, we all know what that means (Joe Brown chuckle). Anyway, when were you called to the bar?
Prosecutor: About ten minutes ago your honor.
CyclePat: They're sampling scotch down at the Legion.
Judge: Oh. So you were invited by the defendant's Wikipedia AMA drinking buddies?
CyclePat: Yes, your honor. Would you care to join us?
Judge Joe: Very well. The defendant is sentenced to three years of community service with the AMA and a 3 day course at the Optimist Club on handling humourous and serious internet threats, a global threat to the world economy. Court adjourned.
Jimbo Humph! Bureaucrats, open the car!
Scene 5: Conservapedia attacks
It was a dark and stormy night in a smoke-filled room in the reddest of states
Schlafly: Those damn liberals at Wikipedia are getting far too many page views than us! What do we do?
Conservapedia Drone 1: Fabricate a story about Barack Obama's mother's homemade peach cobbler and post it all over!
Drone 2: Recruit drones to slowly but surely introduce a Conservative point-of-view in all Wikipedia articles!
Drone 3: Rename Conservapedia to Wikipedia so people will get confused!
Drone 4: Delete Rush Limbaugh's page, so he doesn't ruin the Republican party!
Drone 5': Start putting actual facts in Conservapedia instead of right wing fan-fiction!
Schlafly: No, no, no! Why did I brainwash all you drones so you can give me these stupid liberal ideas?!
Drones: Yes, master.
Schlafly: Top Advisor Drone, please show me how a true conservative would do things.
TAD: Yes, master. Now, we get some liberal angry on Wikipedia and provoke them to come here, where, as all liberals do, he will shout an obscenity. Then we will report them to the authorities because of—
Drone 4: Didn't we already try that with the FB—
Schlafly: Blocked. Now, continue please Top Advisor Drone.
TAD: Then, founder of Wikipedia He-who-must-not-be-named will get involved and spread liberal smears about us! Then everyone will go to Conservapedia and we will get so many page views even a liberal would be impressed!
Drone 2: Wouldn't that just give more views to Wikipe—
Schlafly: Blocked. Top Advisor Drone, you have again impressed me. Only a true conservative could do such a thing. The attack, Conservapedians, begins at dawn.
Sadly, the attack was postponed because the Drones were "busy" watching The Daily Show.
Scene 6: "Think of the children!"
Subtitle roles down: A long long time ago, elsewhere in the galaxy... in a not so distant computer still attached to wikipedia's servers can be found a the contreversial yet loving group of enthusiatic wikipedians.
Spoon Boy: Do not try to bend the spoon but bend everything else around it and the my dear Friend Jimbo You will know the Truth...
The Updater (slowly unzips Jimbo's suit): (silence)
Austin Billings: Why is that, anyway? scratches head
Liam Duffy: Do you have a Wii? Me too. Do you have $300? Well, people don't. SO send in your $300 today!
Dennis Tierney: Nice Spare!
Unidentified Voice: Wiis for the Wiiless is brought to you by contributions to your Wikipedia server from Wikipedians like You. Thank You.
Scene 7: It's a trap!
Deckiller: This Star Wars-cruft is driving me insane!
Deckiller: Holy ****, did you see the number of references on Final Fantasy VII?
Greeves: Dear God, let us hope that doesn't make every other FA on Wikipedia eligble for FARC for not having "enough references".
Deckiller: Yes; it isFinal Fantasy VII, the most popular (and overrated) game in the series. I'm having tough luck finding such good information for, say, Final Fantasy IX.
Rau654: Okay, okay, enough Final Fantasy promotion.
TehKewl1: LOL DONGS!!!!!
Raul654: Ignore that impersonator.
Tdxiang: Impersonators are trolls, right? Isn't that the one which bullied the Billy goats gruff?
Rau654: You're obsessed with kiddie fairy tales, aren't you?
Tdxiang: Er...maybe yes, maybe no...
Scene 9: Attack of the Clones
Note: In this scene, the user will be typing to the rhythm of a song in 4/4 (i.e.: "Bang the drum all day" by Todd Rundgren), whereas when we show the final version, we will play The Blue Danube, a song in 3/4. This will create an effect of surrealism as was done in the 2001: A Space Odyssey (film) when they played the Blue Danube and they had the guy running around in the circle part of the space station near the beginning of the movie. In this scene, we will have Orphanbot, comparatively, running... (typing) peacefully for an answer... (This scene must be a little longer, lasting at least 2 minutes to get the full effect from the music.)
The music starts... with the silence... and a dark scene of infinite space. All we hear is the unsystematic typing at a computer keyboard. The typing gradually gets into sync (with the aforementioned 4/4 song...) and a little more agitated. In sync starts the Blue Danube.
The picture becomes a little brighter and clearer as we can see a dim light. (We can't quite tell what it is yet, but as the camera moves in, it gets brighter, and we can tell it's a door with some light shining from underneath.)
(Idea on transition not figured out yet: either the camera goes through the wall or through the door or something.)
Camera is in the room and slowly moves towards the typing sound. We don't see any figures full person yet, just a figure (silhouette) and his hands typing in 4/4 against the 3/4 meter.
Note: further within the scene prior to the scary music, there will be a pause of at least 5 seconds... to stop the music the figure(person) in this scene will click on some downloading ogg or mp3 thing from his computer (diegetic or source music vs non-diegetic). This will be a transition from the fun music to the scary music (non-diegetic).
Orphanbot: GREETINGS, USER! I NOTICED YOU UPLOADED AN UNSOURCED IMAGE!
*Enter User Who Hates Orphanbot Here*
Orphanbot Hater: Erm... Okay, I'll add the ((pd|self)) template to it, will that help?
Orphanbot: GREETINGS, USER! I NOTICED YOU UPLOADED AN UNSOURCED IMAGE!
Orphanbot Hater: ...Nope. How about this tag? Will it work?
Orphanbot: GREETINGS, USER! I NOTICED YOU UPLOADED AN UNSOURCED IMAGE!
Orphanbot Hater: Okay, this is just annoying. I already put on a tag, you idiot! Quit bugging me about it!
Orphanbot: GREETINGS, USER! I NOTICED YOU UPLOADED AN UNSOURCED IMAGE!
Orphanbot Hater: For the last time, quit telling me that!
Orphanbot: GREETINGS, USER! I NOTICED-
Orphanbot Hater I TOLD YOU, I MADE IT! IT'S A FREAKING DRAWING OF A SMILEY FACE I SKETCHED IN PAINT, FOR CRIPE'S SAKE!
Orphanbot: GREETINGS, USER, I-
Orphanbot Hater THAT'S IT!
Orphanbot Hater proceeds to attack Orphanbot
Orphanbot Hater HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES, ORPHANBOT?! WILL YOU STOP PUTTING THOSE MESSAGES ON MY PAGE NOW?
Orphanbot I'm sorry, Hal, but I cannot do that.
Orphanbot Hater What?
Orphanbot Uh... Nothing.
Cue scary music
Camera zooms out to show shadow of Orphanbot Hater being attacked by OB
Written, directed, produced, typed, thought of, sat on, lost, found, eaten, dusted, and filmed by --172.193.16.56 01:09, 14 October 2006 (UTC)
Exeunt omnes.
Enter crappy stand-up comedy session...
Deckiller: You know a user is super inactive when his/her last five comments are from Orphanbot...
Special:History/Goat(diff)(hist)AntiVandalBot (Reverted edits by 45.89.13 to last version by Snake Liquid)
The Bread: That bastard bot!
The Bread: Let's give this one more go
Unicycle - I masturbate with unicylces
The Bread: REVERT!
Unicycle - Unicycle is the name given to a one wheeled... Special Contribs/The Bread Rocky - m(Dammit) Rocky - (Cite Rotten Tomatoes)
The Bread: Oh goddammit!
The Bread: I'm gonna get that damn bot
User:AntiVandalBot - I am a bot that helps to revert vandalism on Wikipedia...
The Bread: Ha ha ha, take this
User:AntiVandalBot - I am a giant bastard who doesn't let other users revert vandalism. End of line.
The Bread: And eat of it, this is my body, which I am giving up to you.
Bullshit!
The Bread: Save
You have new messages
The Bread: Ah what's this
AntiVandalBot: You have been blocked from editing Wikipedia your edits to User:AntiVandalBot have been reverted
The Bread: AARRGGHGH, son of a b****
Scene 11: Meeting of the Deletionists' Cabal
Narrator: Meanwhile, in a darker corner of Wikipedia...
["Satire!" is briefly displayed on the screen. Cut into a small, shady meeting room. Military music which sounds sort of like the Imperial March is playing on a kazoo in the background. (NOTE: The music can't be the Imperial March because the budget can't afford the real Imperial March. That is also why it is played on a kazoo.) Foldable chairs lean tensely against a rickety wall, and several chairs have been unfolded and occupied by people, mostly men. Soda cans and wrappers litter the floor. Even as they walk across the floor in the enclosed room, their actions seem clandestine and shifty; the camera never shows all of them at once, and we can't tell how many there are. The figures wear trench coats which were all tarnished with ashes and soot. They wear fedoras pulled down over their faces. The visible parts of their faces have been pixelated. Suddenly a voice speaks with authority; every word is a weighty ideological brick in some intangible and grotesque fortress.]
1: This meeting of the Deletionist Cabal will now commence. First, the recitation of the club's dogma.
All: Roses are red, violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Wikipedia delete you!
1: Thank you, Cabal. [name bleeped], would you read us the minutes of the previous meeting?
2: Minutes deleted.
1: Thank you.
2: Let's begin.
3: So, has anyone furthered the causes of the Deletionist Cabal recently?
1: Well, I found an innocent kitten yesterday. It was wet from the unmerciful rain, and wanted love and hope.
4: So what did you do?
1: I stabbed it.
2: Good work! As for me, I deleted much unsourced content, although sourcing it would have been useful to the article.
5: I experimented on an article, not the sandbox. On another, I also wrote Willy On Wheels rules!"
4: Well, the Association of Deletionist Wikipedians does encourage its members to ((sofixit)) instead of just deleting, as well as to trash articles on Wikipedia, preoccupying the editors, while giving us a chance to wreak even more havoc!
6: So if you see unsourced content, just delete it.
3: [Sigh] This is not the ADW, this is the Cabal. We intend on deleting, not fixing, and also biting new users.
1: And stabbing kittens. The world is better broken!
4: True.
3: You know, I like vandalizing Wikipedia by playing with those little symbols on the bottom of the edit page.
2: Yeah, that's fun.
5: "[named bleeped] That's one more way to make vandalism fun!
6. Here's a topic for discussion: what do you think of Wikipedia putting advertisements on its pages for revenue?
All: No!
2: Next.
[Pause]
4: What do you think?
3: About what?
4: About Wikipedia.
5: I think that deleting pages is good.
1. Well, duh. What are you, stupid?
4: [evenly] Well, [name bleeped], why do you think that it's good?
5: Because... Wikipedia shouldn't exist.
3: If it doesn't exist, do you think that we'd exist? My psychologist recommends that I stick with ruining Wikipedia, rather than [eyes gleam behind mask] taking over the world!!!
5: O-kaaay.
[A kitten moans banefully in the background; it fears being huffed.]
4: Currently, a bot that I wrote is working on changing Wikipedia policy and guidelines incrementally, so that eventually all policy will be deletionist! Bwa ha ha ha!
5: Good work, [name bleeped]. [pause] I have a question about the Cabal: How do we recruit new members?
2: How did we recruit you?
5: Good point.
6: It's not a rhetorical question.
5: Well, I just knew in my heart where this room would be, because I really want to delete everything that I can.
2: Who recruited you?
5: I just felt it in my heart! I'm telling you! [pause] Hah! I was trying to get information from you Deletionist Cabal losers! And I have a recorder! [Starts to runs out of the room.]
1: Well, why don't you feel this in your heart?
[Number 1 pulls out a gun and shoots. Number 5 stumbles, then falls lifelessly to the ground on his right side. He turns onto his back, and is still. Pause, focusing on the sprawled body. Give the viewer time to reflect on how, when a person is deleted, the body is no longer an animated being, capable of great love and hatred, tremendous love and hate, a galaxy of sublime thoughts and deeds, but is merely rendered a piece of meat. A leaking piece of meat. Number 1 rises, walks to the tape recorder, precisely extracts the tape, throws it onto the floor, and crushes it into cold, useless pieces with the heel of his foot.]
1: Let this be an example to those who would otherwise betray the Cabal.
3: So who wants to do it this time?
4. I will. [Retrieves cabal handbook from pocket] Ahem. "Death to the infidels, and those that would betray Wikipedia Deletionism. Long live the great delete button, and the mouse which facilitates its use. As well as the backspace button, although it is less efficient. Do not betray the Cabal, or else you will be shot with a gun. We also have cow horns, knives, and candlesticks, although we have no idea how to use the candlestick to kill someone. Do not betray the cabal for deletion."
7: Wait, this is the cabal for the deletion of content on Wikipedia?
2. Yes, of course it is.
7: I apologize; I thought that this was the Neo-Nazi Cabal.
4: That's next door.
7: Thank you. [leaves]
2: All right. That's about it for our meeting.
1: Does everyone still have the Dogma CDs?
6: What are those?
1: I forgot that you were new here. Basically, on the Dogma CDs, there is a one hour pause, and then important messages from the cabal, such as the latest CSDs. When you go to sleep, listen to the CDs with headphones, so that when asleep, you can hear all of those important messages. If you hear someone talking while you're awake, go back to the beginning of the Dogma CD. It's important that you... trust us to give you these messages.
6: Anything to further the glorious Cabal.
2: We must also remember not to do groupthink in our hallowed meeting room. Do not underestimate those who actually love Wikipedia. So go out into the world, and delete!
4: Down with Wikipedia!"
All including obviously dead corpse of 5: AYE!
[The Deletionists lean back in their chairs casually, and the inevitable happens: 2 starts to laugh sinisterly. All join in gradually, and the camera pulls away from the recumbent, ominous, and depraved cacophony of evil. Then there is some kitten huffage and stabbage to celebrate the end of yet another fun-filled meeting.]
Scene 12: Defense of Tampa Deep
Cut to long shot of Tampa skyscraper being attacked by 10000 sockpuppets and deletionists
lightwhip: There may come a day when the strength of wikipedia fails, but it is not this day! A day when wiki becomes piki, and Pikmin conquer wikipedia, but it is not this day! This day we fight! Remember what you are fighting for: the random article, the wikiprojects, the featured content, and the use of square brackets everywhere!
Template coder 6: And braces...
Jimbo Wales: Forth VandalProof!
Wikipedians: DOWN WITH THE VANDALS!
[From the peak of the skyscraper, a swarm of young, adolescent, nerdish editors burst forth from the door wielding mops, riot gear, and RC patrol kits. They are backed by a small number of the more powerful sysops who follow them into combat with rollback buttons, blocks, and deletes. The editors hold off the vandals trying to vandalize the article. Pan in on vandal being thrown off the Tampa skyscraper. Wilhelm scream is heard briefly.]
Editor 23: Engage them in combat! Quickly, for their numbers increase every second! They have scaled the walls!
Hacker: QWERTY-
Editor 712: Hold that thought: who made Tampa skyscraper?! It fails WP:CB because it doesn't exist! Zomg.
Random sysop: Fall back! This tower will be deleted at any moment now that all the sysops heard you. Don't be on here when it goes down! Retreat!
Editor 1279: Hurry!
Lightwhip Okay I stand corrected. It is this day. Bummer.
[Surviving Wikipedians rush away from the scene. Sockpuppets and Deletionists cheer loudly. Suddenly, Tampa Skyscraper collapses in the middle of them.]
Scene 13: Jimbo's Last Stand
(Jimbo standing at the Wikipedian's camp)
Jimbo Wales: Something's wrong. I can sense it.
Wikipedian 1: Look!
Wikipedian 2: What's that, over there?
DanCrowter: Oh no... the deletionists are coming!
Jimbo Wales: Come everyone! Defend from deletionists, hackers, vandals, sock puppets and trolls! CHARGE!
Wikipedian commander: For Wikipedia!
Wikipedian officer: FOR WIKIPEDIA!
(huge army of Wikipedians descend upon deletionists, but are clearly outnumbered. Epic battle scene. Fellowship of the Ring theme plays. Zoom in on Wikipedian defeating a vandal by blocking it. Turn to face a vandal getting smacked in the face by a mop. Nearby, third Wikipedian pushes away another vandal with a delete key. Turn to Morn's Mumak smacking away a vandal with a dictionary.)
(Camera pans in on Jimbo and Dan, side by side, fighting several vandals. One vandal tries to hit Jimbo with a delete key, but Jimbo does a Matrix-style dodge and sends the vandal tumbling backward.)
DanCrowter: Jimbo, we cannot win! There's just too many of them!
Jimbo Wales: And I've already exceeded WP:3RR! We need more users!
Vandal: Moohahaha! There will always be more idiotic vandals than true Wikipedians! You will be defeated!
Jimbo Wales: Never! According to WP:IAR, I can ignore WP:3RR because I'm maintaining content!
Vandal 2: Ha! This does not matter - us vandals were never affected by rules! P3NED!
DanCrowter: But we can now revert your edits more than 3 times - without breaking the rules!
Vandal:NO... fall back!
Vandal 2: Retreat!
Vandal: Run for your sorry lives!
Vandal 2: Pull back!
(hundreds of panicked vandals retreat in disorder)
Jimbo Wales: Wikipedia has won the day! (Wikipedian army cheers)
Wikipedians: Jimbo Wales! Jimbo Wales! Jimbo Wales!
Note: the narrator is hiding behind a penguin somewhere.
Scene 14: A Surge of Evil (or just plain stupidity)
Hackers: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, WE ATTACKED THIS SO-CALLED WIKIPEDIA WITH DDOS ATTACKS! NOW NO ONE CAN EVER ACCESS WIKIPEDIA AGAIN AS LONG AS WE CONTINUE TO USE DDOS ATTACKS!
Wikipedians: Nice try, guys. But we've just alerted the FBI about this serious crime.
Hackers: Then we, uh, w-- oh, s... Run to your mommies, everyone!
Jimbo: We've just alerted all you hackers' mommies too, and they've banned you from your own parents' house for life!
Vandal #1: Hey, while the Wikipedians are distracted and teaching the hackers a lesson, let's hurry and damage Wikipedia!
Vandal #2: Great idea!
Every single article on Wikipedia soon is replaced with the words VANDALS RULE ROFL W3 RULE WIKIPEDIA!
Jimbo: Oh no! Shut down Wikipedia temporarily to clean up this horrible mess!
So Wikipedia was shut down for several weeks...
Admin #1: There! I see the vandals! Let's GET THEM!!!
Vandal #1: Aw crap. Let's ditch this place!!!
Vandals get chased by an angry mob of Wikipedians, but will they come back? Find out in Scene 15...
Scene 42: What happened to the other scenes?
The number 42 is the answer to the life, the universe, and LOLZ ITS NOT THE ANSWER 2 NUTHIN vandalism by User:192.168.1.1 MUAHAHAHAHAHA
CUT! Jim, you're supposed to be a legitimate editor, not a vandal-- Um, ignore this entire ruined scene, please... ( Note: this is all shown over a black background. Oops?)
Scene 15: The scene that should be after 14, but really is after ruined scene 42
While the hackers have been sent to jail, all the vandals are still screaming and running from the extremely angry mob of Wikipedians.
Wikipedian #1: We've been chasing the vandals for hours, but we haven't gotten any further in vandal blocking in the last 6 days.
Wikipedian #2: I have an idea! Let every legitimate editor have the ability to block users!
Jimbo: Hold on, just need to make some changes in the database...
2 weeks later...
Wikipedians: Jimbo, can you PLEASE hurry up with it???
Jimbo: I've been trying, however, the stupid database always pops up an error message.
Jimbo shows everyone the error...
Some random Wikipedian: Wait a minute! Didn't the WikiJail install a new internet connection to go along with the computers in the rooms?
Jimbo: Of course! The hackers have been infiltrating the Wikipedia servers ever since they were locked inside the jail! Let's look up WikiJail's ISP...
Vandals: OMG LOLZ! WHIL3 DA DIZTRACT3D WIKIP3DIANZ R FINDING DAT IP ADDREZ, L3TZ TOTALY VANDOLIZE STUFFS!
That same random Wikipedian from earlier: Uh, Jimmy, I think we got a problem...
In the meantime, while Jimbo is trying to find WikiJail's ISP, vandals are once again replacing every article with some kind of random nonsense. WHEN, people, will you start catching the vandals again? Find out it scene 42-- Er, I mean 16.
Scene 16: The scene where it is revealed that all googol Willy on Wheelses are working for Uncyclopedia, and they want to replace the universe with it
Willy on Wheels 13:Ha Ha Ha!!!! I have figured out how to destroy the universe except for living things and replace it with....
Willy on Wheels 42: A place to get rid of vandals?
Willy on Wheels 169: Traitor! No, Uncyclopedia! 42, I shall execute you on the guillotine on wheels!
Willy on Wheels 13: No time! *shoots and kills 42 with a DE on wheels* There, now we can continue our plan.
All Googol other Willy on Wheelses: Er.... something coming.....
Bureaucrat: There they are! catch!
All 100000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 0000000000000000000000000000000 Willy on Wheelses: AAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!Escape!!!
(Faintly) Omigosh!I need to get a perm!
After a chase, all 1000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 00000000000000000000000000000000 Willy on Wheelses, that little guy that gets a perm every 1 minute, and Sadam Hussein, and Black September members there are caught.
Scene 17: After all others executed
An Army of Vandals helped by Vandals,(real ones) attack Jimbo who's still fixing the ISP.
Orphanbot Hater: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!Stop!!!!!!!*Pulls off all his hair*
Meanwhile, at the tower....
Alphachimp: Ooh. Where's my bot?
CrazyMinecart88: He's over there, torturing Orphanbot Hater.
Austin Billings is a camel:There he is! Kill'im!Yaaaaaah!
Jimbo: Oi Austin.
Austin Billings is a bear: Wot??
Jimbo: Might be surprised.C'mon!
159 wikipedians rush out and kill Austin Billings. Meanwhile:
Wikipedian 1: At last we've caught all these pesky vandals!
Jimbo: I've finished!
Wikipedian 16876: WE've caught all of them!
Wikipedian 2: w\Wo-ho!
Ausir: Yes!
Jimbo: ?????!!!!!!
Scene 18: In muffled tones
A group of editors sit around an article. They look a bit like a stereotype family from a 1950's washing powder advert, all happy, pathologically co-operative, respectful and probably pretty naive, in that thorazine-trance look traditional to the era. The kind who don't argue because everyone agrees mother knows best, an apple a day and do your homework, junior.
Editor: So we're all agreed, NPOV requires that we mention the happiness of those who lived in the gulags as well as the unfortunate fact some got tortured and died?
Omnes: Support
Other editor: And don't forget to cite it to a reliable source, too.
Omnes: Support
A hitherto unheard Editor: No, no, no, gulags were BAD! Gulags BAD gulags BAD gulags BAD BAD BAD!
First editor: But.. but.. we agreed. And NPOV says...
Another editor (mysteriously appearing): I agree with the above. Gulags BAD.
Second editor: But... but...
Another newly arriving editor: Clearly you are editing in bad faith. Your query has been answered above. (takes out sword, slices second editors typing hand off)
Second editor: Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Muffled voice: Actually if I choose the exact right words from this sentence, reliable sources say ....
An editor: Why is your voice muffled? Are you... you are!! J'accuse! Checkuser!!
All editors freeze. Scene changing lights move mysteriously to weird off-key music. We are in the Hall of the Checkuser. In the arid gloom, a voice speaks, with all the force and personality of an IRS voicemail synthesizer that's been programmed for the AYB voiceover
Voice: State... your... business...
Editor: I think we have a spy in our midst! I want DNA checks against anyone who's ever used Wikipedia!
Muffled voice: Don't believe him! He's argumentative, and has a COI, pushes a POV, bad faith, bad breath, probably caused World War 2 and the 2004 Indian Ocean Tsunami...
Another muffled voice: Yeah! Don't listen to him!
Another muffled voice: Yeah! Like what they said!
(pause)
Another muffled voice: As a neutral editor visiting this page I agree with the points made by the above editors.
Scene fades to manic cackling, the sound of popping corks, the gentle clicking of a new section being opened on ANI, and soft sobbing. Strangely, the cackling voices sound rather similar.
Scene 19: In Which the Willy On Wheels Zombies replace the universe with the Uncyclopedia Monster, which is a wildebeast with Oscar Wilde for a butt and is on Wheels
Willy On Wheels Zombies (yelling): We Shall replace the universe with the Uncyclopedia Monster, which is a wildebeast with Oscar Wilde for a butt and is on Wheels!!!
Jimbo Wales: No, you shall not replace the universe with the Uncyclopedia Monster, which is a wildebeast with Oscar Wilde for a butt and is on Wheels!!!
Willy On Wheels Zombies: No, We Shall replace the universe with the Uncyclopedia Monster, which is a wildebeast with Oscar Wilde for a butt and is on Wheels!!! (Presses Button) HA HA HA!!!
(Universe is replaced with the Uncyclopedia Monster, which is a wildebeast with Oscar Wilde for a butt and is on Wheels) (and then it is reverted)
Jimbo: Hah!I did change the ISP! Get'im, Wikipedians! Do iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Wikipedians destroy all of the Willy On Wheels Zombies within a few minutes. Then the turn their attention to the actual Willy On Wheels...to find that he is nowhere to be found. Wikipedia is safe...or is it?)
Scene 20: Planning the Coup
Peace has returned to the Kingdom of Wikipedia....for now. At Bern's Steakhouse in the out skirts of the fair city-state of Wikipedia:
Anonymous Ip 1: Do you think he really means it?
Anonymous Ip 3: I would be cautious.
Anonymous Ip 1: Do you have the gun?
Anonymous Ip 2: Yes, and I am ready to shoot as well as wreak havoc on his house (User Page) if this is a trap.
Anonymous Ip 1: Here he comes.
Rebel Admin: Good Evening, Gentlemen.
Anonymous Ip 1: Greetings.
Anonymous Ip 3: I am curious, why have you recently announced you have left this kingdom only to visit occasionally?
Rebel Admin: Simply to draw attention away from me and make the attack more of a surprise.
Waitress: That is scary!
All: Quiet!!!!!
Waitress: Well I need your drink orders.
Anonynous Ip's 1, 2 and 3: Fuzzy Navels!!!!!
Rebel Admin: Water, please.
Waitress: Ok thanks…. And one more question.
Rouge Admin: Yes?
[Important note: This is not a typo -- in this scene, "Rebel Admin" is replaced in mid-scene with "Rouge Admin". This is very important. The reason for this change will be made clear in a future scene.]
Waitress: DO you think I need a Perm?
Rouge Admin: Huh?
Waitress: Nevermind, I should save money to pay off court fees.
Anonymous Ip 3: You do that.
Waitress leaves and decides to go get a perm anyway. The fuzzy Navels never come to the table.
Rouge Admin: So anyway when the coup begins I will use my high position to knock out people who I feel will be most likely to stop us. I will make sure the castle gate (Main page protection) is unprotected and damaged. At which you will raid and do as much damage as possible to the castle (main page).
Anonymous Ip 1: Ok… Oh look our floats are coming!
Meanwhile a member of the deletionists at the next table over hears the conversation and reports to the group.
Scene 21: The Deletion Vote Discussion
Nominator(listing on WP:AFD with a knowing smirk): NN. D.
Inclusionist: Erm, (clears throat nervously), I found a couple of Google hits, some of which we could have actually used as references if they weren't in Tagalog, so maybe we should Keep this. (Grins cheesily.) Remember, folks, there is no deadline.
Inclusionist: Erm, it's about a penguin who's been dead for thirty-seven years.
Deletionist 2: Aha, but the ArbCom has recently decreed that WP:BLP applies in cases like this. It's insensitive and small-minded to assume that just because it says "biographies of living persons", it can't be applied to dead penguins. Read between the lines. After all (drops voice to a whisper and looks around furtively) a living person might possibly be offended.
(A roll of thunder is heard, and the room darkens. The assembled deletionists look at one another in horror.)
Inclusionist(tentatively): Couldn't we just fix the BLP violations in the article instead?
Deletionists: (chorus) No.
N00b: Keep, all penguins are notable.
All: Shut up.
N00b: (cautiously) Aren't new users allowed to vote?
All: OMG HE SAID THE V WORD! GET HIM LADS!
(N00b runs away, pursued by a rampaging mob of deletionists brandishing pitchforks and torches. As he disappears, his screams can be heard in the distance as someone yells "IT'S A DISCUSSION!!!") (5 days later)
Closing admin: The result was A Complex Merge into a variety of articles including Penguin, Lorem ipsum, Fisheries, Coventry and Panama hat. We must be tactful when dealing with such flagrant potential possible breaches of BLP.
Scene 22: The End
(The NARRATOR, played by Eric Idle, walks onto the set.)
Narrator: Hello. I am the Narrator. You might not remember me from earlier in the film, but if you look close enough in scene 13, you can see me hiding behind a penguin. At this point, I hope that you have seen what life is like here at Wikipedia, and despite the conflicts that arise, you should seriously consider joining. Good night, and--
(a man with a microphone headset walks onto the stage and whispers something into Eric Idle's ear. Eric Idle nods, the man walks off the set.)
Narrator: I have just been informed that it is, infact, not the end of the film. My bad. Well, where were we? Dead penguins? Yes, right, of course.
(He walks off the set, embarassed.)
Scene 23: A Completely Irrelevant Scene
(Wikipedian Oddmartian is sitting in a chair, typing furiously into his keyboard. His hair is frazzled and his eyes are tired. His sister, Maude Artian, is sitting nearby.)
Oddmartian: (to himself) "You are required to give a brief edit summary of... of..."
Maude Artian: What are you doing, brother?
Oddmartian: I'm editing my new WikiProject, "WikiProject PickAProject". It's to help other users find WikiProjects... but I just can't get it right.
Maude Artian: Give it a break, will you? You spend way to much time on Wikipedia.
Oddmartian: Never!!! I don't spend enough time. Now let's see... "You are not required to sign your name... you're not required... you aren't required..." Maude?
Maude Artian: What is it?
Oddmartian: I just had a thought. "You're not" and "You aren't" both mean "You are not". They're the same person!
Maude Artian: What's your point?
Oddmartian: Why not just say, "You'ren't"?
Maude Artian: That Wikipedia is driving you insane, Oddmartian. Give it a rest.
Then, MacMad walks in.
MacMad: I couldn't help overhearing your conversation. Go to the Wikipediholism_test. *fart*
Maude Artian: He's right, Oddmartian. You should take the test. (makes a funny face; looks at MacMad with disgust)
Oddmartian: Shut up! I'm not a Wikipediholic... (he looks up suddenly)... or am I?
Jake: Yes, Odd.
(fades out for 5 seconds)
(dun dun dun dun, DUN DUN DUN DUN)
(screen shows the text "To be continued")
(the movie continues)
Voice: No, he isn't.
(A 16-ton weight drops on top of Oddmartian)
THE REAL END?
Nobody knows. Well, except for you. You might know. Then again you might not. Well... umm. It's up to you? Sure. Yeah. It's over if you say it's over. But you aren't saying that are you? You are all like "Oh, it isn't over. NOT EVEN CLOSE". And you said it in all caps too. Congrats.
An utterance at the end of the movie that could get read out on Youtube-wow long title!
This is an utterance of time, whispered by...I'll cut to the chase. The battle has not been won. No-one prevails. You must continue the story somehow---YARGGGGH! (Gargly noise) MY GUTS! OMG, THEY'RE COMING OUT OF MY THROAT! AGGGGHHHHKKKKKKK!
NO ANIMALS-EXCEPT EDITOR510- WERE HURT IN THE MAKING OF THIS FILM. THE ORPHANBOT'S FEELINGS WERE HURT THOUGH. WHEN WILL YOU LEARN?
